Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
