Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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