I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
