apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
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Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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