The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
