uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Randomize
