Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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