The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
