apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
