wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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