im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
