I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
