you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
