i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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