Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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