but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
