I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
