I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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