Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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