I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
