Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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