hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
