I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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