I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So many bounce houses so little time
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
