I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
