i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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