I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
