Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
