Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
