giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
