If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
