Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
