This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
