they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
