Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We need to get me chipped asap
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
