After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
