I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
