She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
