careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
