im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
