I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's blow job season.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
