god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
