Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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