I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
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