my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
