so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish my penis had a tongue
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
