hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
