I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
