this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
