I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
