Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
