i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
