the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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