last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
birth control should be required to get into college
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
