I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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