hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
