Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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