I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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