I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
