Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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