I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
