I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
